Belonging - university, rugby and SAX Appeal

My daughter left for varsity yesterday morning sporting a vest that identified her as an Ikeys supporter. She was going off to support the UCT rugby team who were playing against Stellenbosch, the Maties. I didn’t even know that she liked to watch rugby. Actually, I don’t think she is too clear about the rules but is rather enjoying being part of all the hype.

She is having a very different UCT experience compared to what it was like for me in the 1980s. A month ago she got up at the crack of dawn, dressed in neon-coloured tights, T-shirt and headband, to stand on a street corner to sell SAX Appeal and participated in all the activities during RAG week. She has signed up for SHAWCO, the students’ health and welfare community organisation and joined the Film Society. She is spending her Saturday mornings tutoring maths to grade sevens in Khayelitsha.

When she talks about sitting on Jammie steps, taking the bus or going to the library, she makes me a little nostalgic for the time that we had there. I am enjoying seeing it through her eyes. She belongs, no baggage attached. Unfortunately, UCT was resoundingly thrashed (45-5) but she didn’t seem to mind too much. 

The Golden Rule

I am saddened and a little troubled by the recent suicide of someone we knew. While we were not close friends, our families have many connections through school, university and business. We also live in the same neighbourhood, a few roads from each other. I am disturbed by the fact that we could be connected to each other, live alongside each other and yet not be able to pick up the deep distress that would lead someone to take their own life.

There are always so many questions for the people left behind and always some guilt about whether we could have done something to help prevent the death. So many people attended the funeral service, which made me wonder why he could not find at least one of us to talk to. 

Technology has made us so available to each other all the time, and yet are we really connected to each other?  We actually don’t even need to talk to each other – we SMS, BBM, send emails from our phones and have information at our fingertips. We need to engage with each other with more than social media, to connect on a personal level. We all have a need to belong to a group, whether it is a family bond, or a group of people with a common purpose or a spiritual group like a church. We need to learn to live with one another, to care for each other and be cared for.

In her book, Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, Karen Armstrong asserts that compassion is a true test of spirituality. We are urged to have concern for everyone, “to treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself”. Compassion is common to all faiths. All religions have their own version of The Golden Rule. 

“As we develop our compassionate mind, we should feel an increasing sense of responsibility for the suffering of others and form a resolve to do everything we can to free them from their pain”, she says.

I think tragic events occur to help put us on the right path. Let’s take time to connect, to take responsibility for each other, to care.

Read more about Karen Armstrong by clicking here Charter for Compassion
Contact The South African Depression and Anxiety Group for mental health information and resources.

A "Typical" South African - a sense of belonging

My son ended the school term on a high since the house that he belongs to at school won the singing competition. The house system is an integral part of the set up of the school. Everything the boys do reflect on their house – earning merits or demerits accordingly. It is not something that I am familiar with. The houses which we belonged to for sport when I was at school, don’t come close to this. There is a  sense of pride and belonging that is being engendered here. If you have seen any of the Harry Potter movies, you will have an idea of what I am talking about.

I have been observing this with interest since I have been exploring the concept of tribalism and the innate need we have to belong. From the minute we are born we are received into a family, a community and a country with certain belief systems, customs and culture and language. It makes us feel safe, encourages us to be loyal and to take pride in the group. It gives us a sense of belonging.

At a later stage we then learn to move away and become independent, maybe questioning what we were taught, exploring new avenues. This concept of belonging to a tribe can have both positive and negative connotations. I find this fascinating in a country like South Africa where we have such a fragmented national tribe as a result of the divisions of apartheid. So many times I have been asked to describe a typical South African and I battle with the answer. What is a “typical” South African?

I think that we came closest to the concept of a South African tribe during the soccer world cup, when we waved our flags, sang the anthem and stood behind our national team. I have started to think about what makes us uniquely South African.

• We have fought for basic human rights for all people to be treated with respect and dignity.
• When someone dies, we turn up to support the family left behind.
• We greet our neighbours in the street.
• When someone needs it we make soup or cookies and take it around.
• We recognise that we are all one and that we need to work to make it true.
• We are proud of our natural heritage, our parks and our animals.
• We know that all God’s beaches are for all God’s children.
• When we sing the national anthem we are reminded of the struggle and compromise that brought us democracy and peace.
• We know who our heroes are.
• We are a colourful people.
•  We sing, we dance, and we laugh at ourselves.
• We soak up the sun and welcome the rain.
• We create beautiful art works.
• We are sporty and love the outdoors.
• We look after each other’s children when we need to.
• We are not afraid to howl at the government when they do something wrong.
• We know how important education is.
• We fight for good health care for all.
• We look after our old people and listen to their stories.
• We love good food.
• We have a firm handshake.

 This list needs some work and is open to suggestion.