Not the life and soul

I’m not the life and soul of the party. I don’t know just the right thing to say when at a cocktail party. I envy those who seem to have a store of one-liners which break the ice and start the conversation rolling. I am like a fish out of water, balancing a drink or a canapé in one hand, standing around making small talk. But I am a good listener, and once I get to know you around the dinner table or over a cup of coffee, I can ramble on as well as the next person.

My husband and daughter emit some kind of radar that draws people to them and they engage with ease, beaming in the afterglow of the interaction. People remember meeting them. On the other hand, I am always being told at parent-teacher meetings that my son has much to contribute, but is far too quiet in class, or he could be having more fun if he relaxed and opened up.

As a young boy, my son earned a reputation for himself as being a choosy playmate – teaching me to consult with him before I made any play date arrangements. “I need to rest today,” he would say, “I had a friend yesterday.” I learned to respect that – to give him his space to be by himself. After all, I could identify with that. We are both introverts and don’t need rescuing to come “out of our shells”. We are having fun, just doing it quietly.

At the bookshop last week, I spotted a book on how to make small talk; I picked it up, turned it over, read the back cover, and riffled through the pages. I was tempted to buy it. Maybe I do need to know what to say when introduced to the Prince of this or the President of that – to make a memorable impression. I walked around the aisles with it in my hand before reluctantly putting it back. I knew deep down that this was not something I could learn from a book. But, hey! There must be enough people with the same “problem” for someone to write a book, right?

Sometimes you have to accept the things you cannot change.  But I am free for coffee...

Dinner invite for one

I have been to three social functions on my own in the last ten days.  I am not sure how this has happened since I would normally choose to decline rather than go alone. My husband being away provides the perfect excuse. However, the Inyathelo Philanthropy Awards, held last week, is an annual function I enjoy going to, and, on Friday night, a close friend was hosting a charity table. So I did want to go, although that awkwardness of arriving and not seeing anyone that I knew, was evident on both occasions. 


This evening's function however, purely social, I sort of got talked into and before I knew it I received an email about how nice it would be to have me. As the week progressed I found myself making a hair appointment and thinking about what to wear, alternating with what am I letting myself in for? However, by yesterday I had decided to keep an open mind and go with the flow. If nothing else, I would have a story to tell. Last week I noted that "So, do you work?" has changed to "What industry are you in?" Although that conversation progressed pleasantly enough. It seems yoga has become rather popular recently.  


I love to people-watch, so actually going to a function is not all effort. Last night there was plenty to watch. Like the little Asian man who was wearing the brightest green jacket that I have ever seen -  as if he was trying his utmost to make up for his size and be noticed. There was also the unlikely blonde, surely surgically-enhanced, who when introduced to a tall Xhosa gentleman, let out a string of isi-Xhosa. It was delightful to see the connection it immediately made. He leaned in closer and a for a few moments spoke animatedly. The conversation continued in English but had been lit by the spark of that connection. It reminded me of a quote by Nelson Mandela, "If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart."  Also another reminder not to put people into boxes!


Our hosts were a lovely couple who have raised truly international children - speaking six or seven languages between them and mixing as many cultures with their choice of partners! Their two children are now on opposite ends of the planet while they will be here for the next while.  


I sat next to a very charming gentleman from Portugal, who told me that if you needed to find your daughter a husband the best place to do so would be to send her to hotel school in Switzerland! Apparently there are many unions between hotel students. Not unlike medical school, which has the same phenomenon for many of the same reasons. When you work so hard and such odd hours, you need a partner who will understand what you are going through. 


The restaurant was casually elegant and the food good - not "child portions arranged by an interior designer", as one guest at the table observed.  Although I could have foregone all just for the most sublime chocolate dessert! I had a pleasant evening and met some interesting people. Sometimes you just need to go with the flow. Or maybe it doesn't matter so much anymore what people think. 

Doing Good, Feeling Good

Anybody who knows me well, will know how I feel about going to business dinners or functions where I am expected to make small talk - see my blog on "So do you work?". But there is one annual function that I really enjoy - that is the Inyathelo dinner. 

Inyathelo is also known as the South African Institute for Advancement and their mission is "to build an enduring culture of 'giving' that results in a strong and stable society and democracy in SA". They do this by growing local philanthropy and supporting non-profit organisations. Every year they have a dinner to celebrate the people who have made a difference to the communities that they live or work in. 

Last week there were no fewer than 11 awardees. Gentlecare which provides a hospice for sick and homeless people, the Kay Mason Foundation which provides bursaries for exceptional children from disadvantaged backgrounds to high school, and 18Twenty8 which empowers young women through personal development, were just some of those honoured at the dinner last night. 

What I am always impressed by is how little it takes to change someone's life and how giving someone a hand up can make such an enormous difference. So many of us don't do anything because we think that the problems are so overwhelming that it is useless to even try, but if we all give what we can, whether it is money or time, we can help to change society. 

One of the young recipients of the Kay Mason bursary, who grew up "in a hell-hole, overwhelmed by drugs, alcohol, poverty, teenage parents and gangster-ism", notes in his testimony that he may look just like all the other students at his school but when compared with children from his neighbourhood, he is one of the most privileged. He has been given the opportunity to break the cycle through education at a good government school outside of this hellhole. And, suddenly a host of opportunities has opened up to him.

It was also very encouraging to hear about the trend that I hope will catch on here. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett have decided that they would give away their money while they were still alive. They certainly have enough to live on, and why not do it now when they can see what effect their philanthropy is having? That way you get to enjoy it twice!

Back to the dinner - it is a real feel-good occasion. To hear what people are doing, some people with very little, and the stories of what they have achieved is truly inspiring. It's good practice to sit back, every now and then, and celebrate what we are doing right.